Monday, October 02, 2006

Gift from a fasting Jew

Hello Feldheim!

I promise that to be the last exclamation point I will ever use! Exclamation points are for the grammatically puerile and the socially insincere. I will refuse the temptation to mire in the debasement of exclamations, but I indulge just this once like a teenage Myspacer to emphasize my eagerness in expressing musical eclecticism and elitism with such fine fine company as yourselves.

That said, I must present myself, and my Prada briefcase of Apse to Feldheim:

Apse is a homegrown Brooklyn band whom I discovered while researching musical performances at the Pussycat Lounge—a squalid stripclub in Manhattan’s financial district whose clientele include old Cornell Pi Kappa Fi brothers and fellow Fidelity and Goldman Sachs twenty-something I-Banking millionaires.

Irregardless of the discovering venue, a band making music in a room that looks like this:

must be cool as shit.

“Sonic Landscapes”

This phrase describes the kind of music that makes Hippies weep because it syncs so well with the Visualizer on their media player. Many bands nowadays love to exploit the phrase when self-proclaiming their music. I believe Creed stated that their music depicts “sonic landscapes mimicking the surroundings of Jesus while condemning the Pharisees.” Cat Power claims she creates “sonic landscapes illustrating a moody, bitch-ass chick playing piano and crooning.” And Nickelback proselytizes “sonic landscapes of Nicholas Cage playing a PRS reminiscing about how he misses his drunk dad’s beatings.”

But Apse stays true to the “sonic landscape” phenomenon by making sounds that travel, sounds that eerily choose moonlit cirrus and cumulus over domestic and high school sorrows, sounds that are mists over moors. Maybe this is an amateur first EP with a lot of potential talent; maybe this is pure shit genius.

One thing for sure is that having this band’s name in your iTunes will always look cool.

I give my sincerest thanks for the honor of my petition to join the Feldheim. I believe I can look down my nose at the world and utter words of monosyllabic arrogance to par with you who have come before me. Thank you for creating such a place, such a haven for asses caped in velvet, cuff linked in sterling, and accustomed to the “finer things in life.”

Your hopeful equal,

Blossom -- (what the fuck kind of avatar is this? But I'll take it.)


Blogger Angela.Lansbury said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

11:50 AM, October 02, 2006  
Blogger Angela.Lansbury said...

right. like I wanted to be Angela Lansbury.

Welcome to Feldheim

11:51 AM, October 02, 2006  
Blogger Toonzie said...

you're fasting?

12:25 PM, October 02, 2006  
Blogger Jafar said...

dude, i was osama bin laden. you got off easy.

11:33 PM, October 02, 2006  
Blogger The Big Red Box said...

For the record I removed you're personal info. The feldheim is a closed environment.

Thanks for your honesty and willingness.

Viva la Feldheim!

5:10 AM, October 03, 2006  
Blogger lunchbox said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

8:59 AM, October 03, 2006  

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