Friday, August 18, 2006

Baby, Hold on to 'heim

Oh No You Di-ihnt!

Yes; That, my friends, is street talk for 'didn't,' a negative contraction. It is your predicted and inevitable reaction to the utter brilliance of my Feldheim post. My preemptive answer to your purported retort is:

Yes, in fact, I did.

An old favorite since high school, Hed PE just released a new album: Back to Base X. Basics. I wanted to heed the call of hed and follow their lead of retuning to what made us. Now I'm infamously a Metal Head. Yes I can appreciate classic rock and the occasionally debateably indie disc. But few metal heads are born metal heads. Yes, in 4th and 5th grade I listened to MC Hammer and Arrested Development like the rest of us.

But even before that, I am not ashamed to admit, it was pop. B104, the local FM pop station, that played Cutting Crew and En Vogue was what raised me. So I am posting Sound of Money, the greatest hits of Eddie Money.

Fuck you all, I love it.

Eddie Money is about as uncool as they get. Even more uncool than using the word uncool. I mean at least Rod Stewart had the Faces. Phil Collins had Genesis and somehowk new his entire career path was destined to mirror Peter Gabriel, only with greater mediocrity. Hell, Kenny G performed with Barry white early in His career.

But I don’t think there’s a person alive who has ever said, "Eddie Money? Nah just his old stuff…" Maybe Eddie never got a hit to break into the top ten. Tom Cochrane got into the Canadian Music Hall of Fame, but that's like saying you scaled the highest mountain in Wisconsin. I like Life is a Highway, but what else has he accomplished besides having ridiculous hair?

To his credit, Eddie Money is only one step up from Richard Marx, whose douchebagginess far exceeds the levels of most American Idol contestants. However, Richard Marx is actually a hermaphrodite.

It’s a fact.

I mean you did just read it on the internet…..

So whereas as most late 80's/90's frontmen of pop were crap, Eddie Money is grouped along with the bunch. But he had four hits: Baby Hold on to Me, Take me Home Tonight, Two Tickets to Paradise, and Take me home tonight. Phil Collins? Name on phil Collins song besides Sudio. You can’t. Baby Hold On to me is a lover’s song. But a great one. Dave Grohl covered it on Conan. So? Defy this logic:

Dave Grohl was in Nirvana.
Dave Grohl can play guitar AND drums.
Elton John Sang Tiny Dancer.
Tiny Dancer is regarded as a great song.
Dave Grohl Covered 'Tiny Dancer' on Conan.

Despite how sexy Baby Hold on to Me happens to be, the undeniably brilliant hook of Take Me Home Tonight and Two Tickets to Paradise are the sounds to which many virginities were lost in station wagons. At least I think they're about sex. Cause, you know, I haven’t exactly, uh, been….with, you know……a lady.

Still, If you find a song that has the sexiness of these two combined with chantability, inform me, for I think it not possibility. Here I Go Again is about masturbation. Living on a Prayer is a song about a guy named Tommy who used to work on the docks.

Not sexy.

So if you believe there are sexier chant songs out there, throw em in the comments. Then Check out Eddie’s greatest hits. And rock out with a hairsprayed babe while you’re at it.


Blogger Jafar said...


Well seems as if things are progressing and consensuses (or is it consensi, or consensensens?) are being reached. I found your logic virtually impenetrable in your most recent post.

I applaud you.

The Feldheim applauds you.

All Hail Jafar!!

3:58 PM, August 18, 2006  

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