Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Against Me!: New Wave

I have no idea what to make of this album. It's rare. Usually I can just listen and immediately categorize.

"Emo trash!"

"Hipster garbage!"

"Slayer wannabes!"

"Complete and utter crap!"

"Aggravating noise that makes me ashamed to be an American."

For the record, my categories are quite critical.

But the newest disc from Against Me! is confounding. I mean, I guess it's punk. The term itself is so general and vague to begin with, so what the hell. They were on Fat Wreck Chords, the vocals are guttural, and the riffs are driving, loud, and in your face, but all with foot-tappy and head-bobby kind of groove.

Then again, they're from Florida. And not backwater Florida; that might be alright. These guys are from Naples, perhaps the single most wussy place in the entire world besides The Album is called, 'New Wave,' this disc was produced by Butch Vig. All very un-punk.

But yeah. . .it's fun to listen to. But I've been through the whole thing twice, and still don't know where I stand. I think I like it, but if i do, I'm not sure why. . .As I said, I don't know what to make of this album.

Feldheimers? A little help here?

Saturday, August 04, 2007

The Best of the Statler Brothers

We all know the scene in Pulp Fiction where butch sees Marcellus Wallace crossing the street. Bruce Willis' character is singing the song, "Flowers on the wall." It's a great tune, but is by no means the best track on one of the forty or so albums this group have released.

And it has nothing whatsoever to do with weird basement sodomy no matter how gay these guys seem

So I give you eleven of the Statler Brothers' greatest hits. This music I hold dear for a number of reasons:

1) My dad made me listen to it on road trips as a kid.
2) They're the STATLER brothers
3) The vocal harmonies made me want to sing
4) I am not as good a singer as these dudes.

Song's Like Bed of Rose's about a whore. Do You Remember These with its do do doh doh doh Whooo ending is the equivalent of 'LOL3RZ! you were born in the 80's!!!!!1!! if this makes sense' groups on Facebook. Whatever Happened to Randolph Scott with lines like, 'Disney's dead and the screen is filled with sex' doesn't really rhyme, but it doesn't matter

Key changes are tastefully (ab)used and the sweeping choruses of Susan When She Tried The Class of '57 are heightened by the range of voices that would strike fear in the hearts of your average Ivy a capella group.

These guys rock as much as a barbershop quartet possibly can

Monday, June 18, 2007

Jafar's Monthly Music Video Post

Bat For Lashes - What's a Girl To Do

Donnie Darko anyone?

Thursday, June 07, 2007

and what's cooler than chicks who rock?

Chicks who DJ

Today I got a mixer! But I'm not allowed to play with it until after the bar exam as that is what the prudent bar applicant would do.

It a cool feeling though to as the only other instrument i've ever had is a baby grand piano, and well you just can't pick those up pet them the way you can a mixer.

Monday, June 04, 2007

Feldheim Revival X (Angela Vs. Jafar - Battle of the Sexes)

So after seeing Joanna Newsom and Bjork on the same stage I've been on a bit of a chick kick recently. Angela (another awesome chick) aptly hawked some more girl power your way, and since this blog is named after a female, I say we throw down in a sort of metaphorical pillow fight.

Since my avatar is Middle Eastern, no one has the right to describe my comments as bigoted, sexist, racist, or any other -ist. I simply follow Sharia law. Angela, being a woman, also finds herself immune. Plus, we're both promoting, so don't get your panties in a bunch (NSFW).

Prefaces aside, I bring to you Electrelane. For those of you unfamiliar, Electrelane is a British female four piece, and their new album is pretty fucking fantastic. Electrelane is like the perfect Disneyland ride when you were a kid. The happy parts are happy, the scary parts are scary, and the drugs you're on enhance the psychedelic moments. Plus, you've just started getting into chicks, and now there's four of them hitting all the notes you want them to hit. All you need is an $8.00 cheeseburger.

Electrelane is currently playing/opening for The Arcade Fire. Since Neon Bible is nothing more than a mediocre album, one wonders who should be opening in the first place. This album has everything Arcade Fire doesn't. Namely DISTORTION, ANGST, and (Somewhat) CREATIVE DRUMMING.

There isn't a bad song on this album. Notables include Saturday & Five.

Well done.

Thursday, May 31, 2007

The Sounds: Dying to Say This to You

I've been a bit mum the last few weeks. In Rumbek, we use a German satellite, Blogger kept loading in German and trying to put Woody in a "fun" camp.

So needless to say, I shyed away.

Upon my triumphant return to Kenya, I realized Jafar had covered 67 albums in one post. I know, I know, it almost seems to much to even fathom. I alas, cannot due to such bandwidth restrictions here that have turned my piracy into short bittorrent porn clips. Sad, really.

But I did come across this CD. I'd been spending my sunday afternoons in Rumbek in the pool with the Norse chicks from another camp. No, seriously. These girls were statuesque and I had dreams about them wearing behorned helmets and flying me to Valhalla. In any case, they had incredible taste in music. Short-Dark-Hair, who had the most incredible jaw line I'd ever seen, would drink beer like a champ, and knew all the words to the entire Evil Empire Album. And she digs In Flames.

So I decided to look into this Swedish/Norwegian/Finlandian thing a little more.

I came across some great metal, but like a black guy at a Monster Magnet show, one stuck out. The Sounds.

Normally a chick lead singer just puts me off the band. Chick rock usually blows. Kittie. The Donnas. Flyleaf. Ashlee Simpson. That's about all I got. Chicks just don't have the range of vocals guys do. I remember back in the last nineties A duo called the Braids covered Bohemian Rhapsody. They were chicks, but they still sang an octave LOWER than Mr. Farenheit.

But this one really surprised me. She's almost gutteral. I hear violence and thrashing and strain in her voice, like I'd never heard form chick rock singer.

Also, not only did it have the most erotic album cover I'd seen since Super Sexy Swinging Sounds:

But it's ambiguously erotic. I love lesbian undertones. And I really like this disc.

What really makes this disc for me is the synthsizers, the Pachelbel rip off, "Night After Night," and the extremely schnozzable lead singer:

So schnozzable.

I'm bumming around Dubai, Turkey and Greece for the next month, so while I will be giving Feldheim a rest, I expect you all to step up for the one year anniversary.


Sunday, May 27, 2007

Feldehim Revival IX

Feldheim readers welcome.

Wade through the clouds of pretentiousness and bathe in that all-encompassing odor known as elitism. Due to the relative inactivity (besides Angela) after our year-end extravaganza, I will be posting, and reviewing not one, nay two, nicht three, but four (motherfucking) albums. The theme of the reviews will be hyphens-and I will try to incorrectly and in-adequately use hyphens pervasively--

I will also review these albums based on degrees of awesomeness (starting with most awesome-). Always - remember, we Feldheimers-like to rank things that shouldn't be ranked.

They will,- as always, be completely lacking in humility and timorousness.

Panda Bear – Person Pitch

Panda Bear (aka Portugese Welcome Monster aka hey, he's that fucking guy from Animal Collective, I had no idea ----- aka Noah Lennox) has released a masterpiece while his bandmate and bandmate's wife (Avey & Kria) have been listening to their shit backwards. Well, this shit plays forwards, and it is just oozing with good-ness. Using a pair of 404's and a multitude of other instruments, Panda Bear focuses on creating a unique sonic environment for the listener to drown himself in. Think Beach Boys but better, and newer. The oh-so sweet melodies remind you of what P-B brings to the A-C, but this deserves it-s own attention and it's own respect. A truly im-pressive work, a truly impressive animal.

Andrew "Birdman" Bird – Armchair Apocrypha

The Bird-man hit us with his mysterious production of eggs last time around and I was very anxious to see what shit would land my way this time around. For those of you unfamiliar with Andrew-Bird, go back and read the Feld--heim or just go download/buy the masterpiece itself.

Andrew Bird is one of the premier musical talents of our generation. The man can sing, whistle- play violin, guitar, and he is a master with the loop pedals. See him live, it is humbling. Armchair is another strong move forward in this former nut zippers career. At the same time, it is not nearly as powerful and a-m-a-z-i-n-g as Mysterious. The Birdman finds himself dabbling in the genre of "Adult Contemporary" – but fuck genre's, he still brings the good-ness, and you should give it a listen. Truly wonderful stuff here.

Note: Project Moonshine is currently in post production for their Andrew Bird project.

A Sunny Day In Glasgow – Scribble Mural Comic Journal

I'm always hesitant with that shoegaze sound. Of course we have My Bloody Valentine, and Sonic Youth, but I just feel like most of the sho-egazers out there take up space for the sole purpose of taking up space. Not ASDIG.

This sib-ling group is actually from Phil-a-delphia, and this album is actually really fucking good.

Also, 5:15 Train is one of the best songs released this year. SHOEGAZERS OF THE WORLD REJOICE!!

Small Sails – Similar Anniversaries

Smiling? Small Sails wants you to smile. This-one goes out to all the meth-heads in Port-land (the land of Small Sails). Smile my friends. Listen to the electronic pop goodness and smile. So many vocals, so few words. Such great sounds, fuck the great heights. Small-Sails should probably be higher up on this list, but lists are arbitary and irrelevant, and comments like these are ironic - so in the end just listen to what you want and I can go to hell.-
Menomena - Friend and Foe

Portland continues its presence on my arbitrary list. So many great bands are currently making music in Portland that I would almost consider moving there just to be able to say "Yeah-, I used to hang out with _______ back in the day, they're cool guys, real down to earth and shit, yeah, oh, yeah, he plays a tele, but he switched up the pickups....yeah....I mean he's not a tone freak or anything, but he knows his shit." Totally awesome dudes with a penchant for flavor - Menomena is one of the funnest bands around. This being said, their previous album is better and the less vocals the better.

More organ though---.

Until next time.......

Jafar's Monthly Music Video Post

Joy Division - Atmosphere

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Nightmare of You.

I keep posting albums that I say, "this isn't really my thing," or "I know this isn't really my style." Then why do I keep listening to it?

Perhaps my style is changing.

Cause I like Nightmare of You.

It's poetic; It's so happy it's absurd.

But that it's another ex-Glassjaw member rationalizes my appreciation for this bubble gum.

Songs like Thumbelina with decidedly strum-able licks and blatantly bi-sexual lyrics that don't rhyme make me happy. Who doesn't like lesbians (NSFW)?

Ok. Besides these guys, that is.

See, I think the Killers are a bunch of twats. Only slightly less twatty than Hellogoodbye. Franz Ferdinand has written one good song. Those who attended the BRMC show in 2004 know that The Rapture blow more than a bukkake star. So the whole booty-shaking rock thing never shook my booty. Hell, I never thought I had a booty to shake. But My Name is Trouble has that same flavour. That's right, flavour. I'm international. I spell things with a 'u' now. It hints at Enjoy the Silence, but with a little less, uh, you know, flair. It's got a beat, a great guitar melody, and decidedly wussy lyrics. It only slightly redeems itself with a head bobbing bridge.

Through it all, it's fantastic.

In Dear Scene, I Wish I Were Deaf, there's the line:

Start a band or throw a brick/You lazy hipsters make me sick

Isn't that enough?

I think even Toonces will like this one. Jafar will know seventeen bands with one word names who do the same style of music. Rittah will hit we with my BC Rich for listening to this. Screech will listen to anything I post. Blossom is too busy growing a beard, daydreaming about Edie Vedder's adams apple and prtesting something. Woody will not even read this, but will get stoned enough to lose his couch. Again. And Biff is gonna put a on a Family guy T-shirt and prance through field of daisies listening to this on his iPod Mini. "Everyone knows they're for girls!"

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Jafar's Monthly Music Video Post

Let the Feldheim Revival begin.

Bjork - Hunter

More posts to come....

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Lover, The Lord Has Left Us . . .

It's been months.

But since my last post I've been in four countries, ran a 100-room hotel in a developing nation, and banged your sister.

What's your excuse Feldheim?

Given my remote dealie, I am so not hip to the scene. But I heard this album and thought it was. . .different.

But then again, I saw a picture of these dudes. They wear masks.

We all know how I feel about masks when it comes to music.

Lover, The Lord Has Left Us . . . is the sophomore disc from The Sound of Animals Fighting. I had heard it was a side project of a bunch of emo wussies and that it was progressive. Did that deter me? No. But the band is named after roars and the sound shredding of flesh. And they frickin wear mask! I thought I'd stumbled upon the ultimate metal, sort of like an Earth Crisis/Lamb of God/ABBA combination.

But no. I shoulda known. This:

is just not as bad ass as this:

Seriously. The dude playing the warlock eats puts animal flesh in fire and eats it. Zing!

BUt not much could really prepare me for TSoAF. It's some weird, abstract Punjabi MC meets Aphex Twin, featuring the Beta Band, remixed by Fourtet. And produced by Architecture in Helsinki. You know, just the type of shit Woody and Jafar would listen to while smoking herb or making million dollar production deals.

So it's weird alright. But I'm only posting it for two reasons. One: in a press photo it looks like one dude is wearing a Pretty Hate Machine shirt.

And two: because of track 13, The Heretic. It's the Postal Service on valium with a hint of twinkly Reznor piano, a dirty Murder By Death beat, plus a hefty does of Van Halen 'Jump' synth thrown in for good measure.

I know it's not my style, but I think it's the song that that Coldplay douche wishes he had the balls to write.

So lemme know what you think.

Feldheim is back, baby.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Bog Saget Bitch, You Better Aks Someone

Thursday, January 18, 2007

DJ Shadow - The Private Press

Newly up on the box. I can't think of a better way to start of 2007 than with The Private Press, quite possibly one of the greatest albums of 2002. I don't really know why I held out on getting this one for so long. When it first came out my brother insisted that i wasn't ready for it and now finally that i've made a point of getting to it i'm finding it to embody everything i want out of a new album right now. It's challenging, inspiring, energizing and sophisticated. I recognize that we are all in different places and therefore the same won't hold true of all of you. But since you are the listening elite I know you will appreciate it. Enjoy!

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Jafar's Monthly Video Post

Smog/Bill/William Callahan/Mr. Joanna Newsom - Rock Bottom Riser

Monday, January 08, 2007

Album Covers Gone Wrong

New year, new topics!

Not really. Album artwork again, this time the efforts of a b3ta photoshop challenge, we find atrocities made from some famous album covers.

While I may not know the original artist of the example, there's somehting poignant about seeing out president splattered with baby batter. It's symbolism or something.

That or it's just dirty and wrong. Cause we all know that's truly the reason the internet exists.

There's like 50 pages so be prepared not to work this morning.

Sunday, December 31, 2006

Feldheim End of the Year Top 10s

Saturday, December 30, 2006

Top 10 Albums For Providing White Noise

I'm certain that I'm not the only aviator who is emotionally dependent on her I-pod, or for that matter music. Looking back on 2006 I also can't help but think back to 2005, and the fall of 2004 all of which had a tremendous influence on my music needs. Ever since i started law school I've been drawn to and sought out music compatible with the fact that all I do is study in the library. The silence is deafening, the detachment from music is incredibly stressful and unfortunately law isn't the kind of think I've been able to master while multitasking. The end result: several albums that are not only extraordinary musical feats, but also keep my mind focused and impervious to distraction. To all my fellow graduate and professional students, this list is dedicated to you.

10. Run Lola Run -- The Soundtrack

Probably what first comes to mind is that image from the opening credits where the soccer ball is punted into the air as the main title theme begins. What's cool about this soundtrack is that is comes back to a reprise of the main title theme. The albums a little hypnotic but also gets my adrenaline pumping.

9. David Axlerod - The Edge

Thank you Ritter for posting this to the box. Low Rawls You make Me So Very Happy is definitely in contention for greatest song ever.

8. RJD2 - Since We Last Spoke

A fantastic follow up to Deadringer. RJD2 is one of my favorite producers. I had the privilege of meeting him last year when he was performing with Blue Print as Soul Position. I think some people had a hard time with this album because Deadringer was so good and this albums deviates from Deadringer and is a bit more experimental. I say keep an open mind and give it another listen as I think you will like what you hear.

7. The Avalanches - Since I Left You

This is my favorite album of all time and has been for several years now. For those of you who don't know, The Avalanches are a totally awesome hip-hop group native to Australia. Since I left You is crafted almost entirely out of samples mixed together by the incredibly talented DJ Dexter. Perhaps the most recognizable track is Frontier Psychiatrist that found its way into many a European club and the soundtrack to some MTV shows. What's amazing about this album is that I've listened to it regularly for about 5 years now and ever time I listen to it i discover a new break beat that I never noticed before.

6. Pink Floyd - The Wall

Every time I mention to one of my fellow students that I really like listening to The Wall when I study they don't really understand why. Maybe it is because it is one of those established albums that is amusing to criticize. I put this album on my I-pod on a whim while studying for exams second semester of my 1L year just because I hadn't listened to it in a while. It's made an appearance and pretty much only makes an appearance every final exam since.

5. DJ- Baby Anne - Dark Side of the Boom

I posted some musings about DJ Baby Anne a while back. She's my favorite female DJ. Pretty Heavy on the beats, but not too heavy on the lyrics -- Perfect!

4. U.N.K.L.E. - Psyence Fiction

U.N.K.L.E is for the most part DJ James Lavelle (who I will discuss later) and DJ Shadow. This album has got some cool collaborators including Thom York and Mike D. It's a little hip hop, a little house, a little rock and a great barrier between me and the rest of a world. Interesting music fact: while surfing the web i discovered that David Axelrod who also graces this list remixed a track of this album titled Rabbit in Your Headlights, the track featuring Thom York. While almost a decade old, I have a feeling this album will be my next contribution to the box as I think you will all like this album but for different reasons and I'm curious to hear about it.

3. Globalunderground 23 - James Lavelle

James Lavelle is probably best described as a progressive house DJ. His mixes are pretty eclectic with sounds ranging from hip-hop to electronic, alternative rock and world. Amazing!

2. Back To Mine - Nick Warren

Back to Mine features famous DJ throwing together some fo their favorite tracks that generally wouldn't make their way into their live sets. So while you could dance to a couple of the other albums on this list this mix isn't really designed for that. It's down tempo and soothing.

1. Global Undergound #24 Nick Warren

Nick Warren graces my top 10 twice probably because his mixes, while trance, are more complicated and funkier than what usually comes to mind when we think of trance. I discovered this album back in college when amazon suggested that because I liked the James Lavelle mix at #3 I might also like Nick Warren. This mix was recorded in Reykjavik (one of the greatest cities in the world) which makes it even better. Track 4 samples a bit of dialogue from the film Snatch and also has this hypnotic melody that gives me chills.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

R.I.P., James Brown (1933-2006)

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

The Top 10 Albums of 2006 according to one of the Top 10 Jews of all time

"There's no preface to this, let's get down to business"
-Feldheim, spoken in a thick Long Island accent to an unsuspecting victim

1. Joanna Newsom - Ys
Quite simply the most beautiful album of the year. Joanna has followed up her underrated debut with a record that is much more refined - it has five songs. Van Dyke Parks' string arrangements are just gorgeous. The strides that she has taken since her underrated first release Milk Eyed Mender are staggering. Plus you need to be at least a little elite can when you release 5 songs and call it an LP.

2. Destroyer - Rubies
After seeing Destroyer open for the New Pornographers (of which he is a sometime member) I became obsessed. Snatching up every recording I could find. I consider him the best songwriter of our generation. Rubies is probably the most accessible Destroyer album, but it doesn't lack the depth of his other records. It's still brilliant.

3. Sunset Rubdown - Shut Up I'm Dreaming
See my original review of this for the details -- this album just rocks.

4. Califone - Roots and Crowns
Grungy, grimy, bluesy, jazzy folk rock tinged with electronic blips and loops. The songcraftsmanship (not sure if that's a word) and production on this album is are absolutely incredible.

5. Peter, Bjorn and John - Writer's Block
Pure pop bliss. These guys take influences from everyone from the Velvet Underground to the Flaming Lips to Elvis Costello and the Beach Boys.

6. Liars - Drums Not Dead
A fantastic experimentation in sound. Liars sound like a darker, less tribal sounding, minimalist Animal Collective. This would be a great album if you were trapped in a moist dark cave filled with banshees (e.g. Feldheim). Its alienating and entrancing at the same time. I keep thinking it would make a great soundtrack for Eyes Wide Shut.

7. Grizzly Bear - Yellow House
Can you feel the kniii...iiiii.iiiiiife. Can you feel the kniii...iiiii.iiiiiife.

8. Danielson - Ships
If any pop album can be considered an epic -- this is it. Fantastically weird vocal stylings and melodies. It's one of the few really ambitious records that doesn't fall flat on its face..

9. Swan Lake - Beast Moans
An indie supergroup consisting of three of my favorite musicians on the scene today (Dan Bejar of Destroyer, Carey Mercer of Frog Eyes and Spencer Krug of Sunset Rubdown/Wolf Parade). The only reason this did not become the greatest record of all time is due to a lack of cohesiveness -- they can't quite mesh their massive talents together to form the uber-band Swan Lake could've been. The Bejar songs are the real highlights of the album -- proving once again Destroyer is king.

10. Bob Dylan - Modern Times
The man cannot be stopped. The follow-up to 1999's Love and Theft is just as good. Have you guys ever seen him live? There's usually a point in the show where he just glares at the crowd in complete silence. I'm pretty sure its not on purpose, and he's just dead. But he's either God or that cheerleader from Heroes -- most likely God. I have no idea what this has to do with the list or the album, but I don't feel like writing anymore.

After all, I'm a lazy Jew.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Top Tens aside...

...the end of the year is also a time for self reflection.

With that in mind it's seems appropriate to call your attention to this

Back when we were only 7 aviators, one the leader of a terrorist organization...

Back when all of us lived on the same continent

Back when I could actually articulate a reason why I wanted to be a lawyer

Before some of us not naming any names became social loafers...

When we could only speculate about what the future would hold for Feldheim

so now in addition to my originally planned top ten list I'm going to create a list of top 10 songs from 1986 that I will sample when I am earning my living as a word class DJ and not as an attorney. All of this after Finals of course....

As far as making this bigger and better in the year 2007, I think it's about time we got ourselves an intern.

Top 10 last songs on albums if that song is an even numbered track of 2006

1. We’re no Here, track 10 from Mogwai’s Mr. Beast. Not only does this song strike home to every Jew out there for its epic “Walk Across the Desert with the Weight of a Thousand Generations” vibe, but also because I saw it on mushrooms, at Coachella, in the desert, in the summer, and proceeded to get a second degree sunburn from the heat off their tube amps and pinpoint pupilling lightshow. Everything just screams, “IT’S FUCKING REAL, REAL HOT OUT HERE GUS.” This song kept pushing for renaming my list to “Top ten 2006 songs that you want to listen to while driving to kick someone’s ass who really fucking deserves it, or maybe just driving to face the end of the world.”

2. Colorado – yet another last song track 10, this one from Grizzly Bear’s 2006 album Yellow House. I got into this song at the perfect time while commuting up over Mt. Rose Highway during the first Sierra snowstorms of the fall. I was fortunate enough to realize a moment where the highway peaked at 8900 feet, this song peaked at a whimsical climax, and I climaxed at all of these peaks—and for the fact that snow was falling and ski season was approaching.

3. Or – doomsdayish, hopeful, and dark, this album encore is track 12 on Sonic Youth’s Rather Ripped from that blessed summer of 2006. This song represents the kind of evolution that I wished all twenty year old bands would make. It’s too bad that that twenty year old mark hit during the 1980’s for Neil Young, the Rolling Stones, and Bob Dylan--because they mostly made embarrassingly horrible shit at that time.

4. Album title worthy Spirit, track 10 from Apse’s October 2006 LP debut Spirit--which will get its own record review soon anyway. I’m trying to review only Apse albums if you haven’t noticed. But with regards to this fantabulous track, again it almost made me change my Christmas list to “Top ten 2006 songs that you want to listen to while driving to kick someone’s ass who really fucking deserves it, or maybe just driving to face the end of the world.”

5. Tides (piano) – the contemplative album ending track 12 of the Clog’s Lantern. Now this is the kind of contemplative that could either be considered stalkerishly eerie or paraplegically introspective. Either requires a window and some precipitating weather.

6. No Such Thing as Hearts—a 2006 track 10 good old fashioned smooth landing of Victory at Sea’s All Your things are Gone. Her voice is like Chan Marshall meets Tom Waits, which could be weird, and it is. But the only real side-effect is it just makes your mouth tastes like cigarettes.

7. Mizu Asobi – this pop wonder cocaine epic of Nipon comes clean at the even numbered end of Asobi Seksu’s Citrus. This song is filled with hope, hope of rehab, end of 80’s movies hope. A kind of hope that can only come across by a band with an 85 pound bubbly Japanese girl fronting it. Deerhoof eat your off tempo jerky-ass heart out.

8. El Ciervo Vulnerado – the album decapitating track 8 off of The Mars Volta’s Amputechture. Though this LP screamed “WE SHOULD REALLY TRY SOMETHING NEW GUYS, BUT MAYBE NEXT TIME,” this last track is what I love from TMV. That creepy Mexican feeling that maybe somebody’s drugged and sodomized you in the last 24 hours, but there’s really no way to be sure.

9. Broken Arrow – an ender at track 10, this one is smooth, almost too smooth. Okay I’m reaching on this last one which is off of the Album Leaf’s Into the Blue Again. It’s amazing how many fucking bands fill their albums to the odd-numbered end. Motherfuckers. Basically, I wouldn’t fight you for this one if I had too.

10. America the Beautiful – Neil Young’s CD ending anthemous track 10 from his punch to W’s gut album Living with War. Nothing that special about this track besides breaking a record for the most gospel singers fitted into a recording studio ever.

...Fuck that took a long time. But goddamn it's worth it.

Top 10 Reasons Why The Feldheim is Superior To Pitchfork

We here at the Feldheim represent elitism, we also represent common sense. For your Winter amusement, here it is:

10.) Our website isn't ugly
9.) We don't have banners (read: we haven't sold our musical souls to Corporate
8.) We all went to (and graduated from) Ivy League schools
7.) We are not pretentious, we are elitists
6.) We hate American Apparel
5.) If both of our staffs were to engage in an all out brawl Angela alone could take
out 6 or 7 of them hipsters (combined weight 330). Ritter would just stare at
another 7 or 8 until they folded into themselves. Toonces would finish off
all the nonviolent ones in negotiations
4.) We don't get free albums in the mail, we usually have to illegally download them
3.) We have better senses of humor, and no one checks our work (proofreading is for normies)
2.) Fuck Justin Timberlake, we all know who's really bringing sexy back
1.) We are named after someones snatch. Pitchfork is named after an "agricultural
enhancer/weak ass weapon"

Also.....Notable Mention at 11.)...

11.) Not one of us lives in Williamsburg

Top Ten Ways to Start an Argument

Top-Ten Established Albums that are Amusing to Criticize

People take music way too seriously.

[Momentary pause to permeate the obvious irony of the trying-too-hard-to-be-witty opening statement from this C-Grade music blog-writer]

I am not speaking so much about the role of music in our society, in as much as how emotionally attached people get to their music. The prime example is looking confusedly at the car stereo while your friend frantically scans for “the good part” of the CD of his new favorite band that “you would totally like.” Revel in the awkwardness! Why should your friend be so invested in an album to the point where your douchebag non-chalance could crush his spirit? His mother didn’t hold him enough as a child? His father held him too much? Who cares? Whatever the reason, it can occasionally be amusing to voice criticism of music for the sake of comedic controversy. Here are the top-ten established albums that are the most fun to degrade and thus start an argument:

Note: The credence to be “established” was that it had to be one of Rolling Stones’ Greatest 500 Albums of All Time as it is THE definitive music list from THE most credible music publication on the planet. I fought back the urge to select the blatant warts on the RS list (George Michael, Hole, No Doubt, etc.) or the horribly overrated ones (Devo, The Strokes, The brilliant live recording of Bob Dylan taking a shit, etc.) and chose the somewhat “credible” albums.

Number 10: "Nevermind" – Nirvana

I purposely chose this album as my ‘number 10’ album because “Nevermind” always seems to earn the gratuitous ten-spot on many older music critics’ top-ten-albums-of-all-time list. It’s as if “Nevermind” is the token album that music critics use to prove that they are not completely biased toward the 1960’s and 70’s, and are still “up-to-date” with the new generation (biting their lip because their favorite album by The Who gets pushed out). One could call it musical affirmative action to not discriminate against Generation X.

Grunge music was only a fad-trend that was created as a backlash to the over-stylized 80’s glam-rock era - which in itself was a backlash to the early 80’s new-wave. So, three guys who commercialized suicidal sentimentality (much to the malaise of the surgeon general and concerned parents worldwide) become idolized as ‘brave musical pioneers’ with Kurt Cobain as the voice of America. It’s funny, because Harvard just released some key findings from their genome-decoding project. As it turns out, 98% of all white people share the “Nirvana gene” which allows them to play the bass line for “Come As You Are” even though they may not know anything about the mechanics of a guitar.

Number 9: “Highway 61 Revisited” – Bob Dylan

This album is just plain boring. Especially for an album that marked Dylan’s radical departure from folk to rock, this album is like a prelude to a qualude (potential band name… please don’t steal it).

The lyrics are spectacular and the songwriting is great. However, that sounds like the same two-dimensional praises that people used to give Volvo in the 80’s. “Well, their cars are super-safe and the price range is relatively affordable. But, they have no horsepower and they are designed like hideous Lego cars.” You don’t see black people willingly driving Volvos, nor do you see them willingly listening to Dylan. (No, Jimi Hendrix doesn’t count)

When do you listen to this album? There is not enough bass for it to be a rocking road-trip album, it’s too white to play at a party, and it’s way too funny trying to have sex when drowning in Dylan’s whiney drawl: “How does it feel?” The best time to listen to this album is when it is blasting from a jukebox in a dive bar in Amarillo, TX (or someother rustic hole), or if you are sitting around and smoking joints and drinking imported beers with your English-major friends while they harangue you about the brilliance of his imagery. When in that situation, it's best just to sit there looking bored and then telling your friends, "Hey guys, can we put on that Dylan song where Everybody Must Get Stoned! That's far and away his best song ever! I don't care what any of you Wesleyan kids say."

Number 8: “Master of Puppets” - Metallica

Metallica is the Ronald Reagan of music... see if you can follow: Where as metal music (screwed up conservative ideals) was previously isolated to random factions of the confused and unsupervised, Metallica rose to prominence and brought their music into the mainstream. To maintain their title as "God-annointed saviors of the free rocking world" - they sought out to be the biggest, the loudest, and most obnoxious band that had ever existed. Nevertheless, it completely divided the musical world: On one side you had the middle-American idiots who thought that being angry and pre-emptive fighting were cool (The Republican core), along with the musical technical geeks that thought the solos were genius (rich, white capitalists who find the brilliance in trickle-down economics). And on the other side you had the people that thought the music was too loud and lacked direction (Democratic pussies). But you were on one side or the other, and the Iranians(illegal music downloaders [thank you Lars]) didn't stand a chance.

Tough analogy. But at its core, Master of Puppets is the album that your older brother listened to, got really riled up, and would hold you down and give you "froggers" in the arm and "dead legs" to the thigh. It was made in the mid-80's when Generation X (the most worthless generation ever) was in prime teenage rebellion mode - thus going to waste. Metallica also inadvertantly sparked the worst fashion trend of all time: a black Metallica t-shirt with the sleeves rolled up (to show off a tattoo of a flaming skull or a cobra or some other sexually frustrated graphical connotation), tucked into a pair of tight fitting, ripped Jordache jeans (sans belt), basketball sneakers, and a I-can-wear-my-hair-however-the-fuck-I-want pony-tail.

Just like Californian comrade Ronald Reagan... I am not saying that Master of Puppets is not technically-impressive and a sign of the times, I am just saying that some rich white assholes profited from blue-collar ignorance while pissing a lot of other people off. Be very careful when you criticize this album, you'll most likely get a fist in the face and a Bud (heavy) poured over your head.

Number 7: “A Rush of Blood to the Head” - Coldplay

Making fun of a Coldplay album with you music snobs is like explaining how Derek Jeter sucks to a group of Red Sox fans. It’s a safe call, it’s not necessarily anything original, but still everyone gets enjoyment out of it.

Coldplay is the poor-man’s Police. Both bands released solid albums that had impressive songwriting; tight production; inane, noxiously repetitive lyrics; and a completely unique sound that was intended to inspire suburbanites. But Sting was actually a genius who experimented with song structure and time-signature, while Chris Martin named his kid Apple. The problem is that it is physically impossible to enjoy Coldplay unless you are spooning with some girl that smells like the Gap:
Her: (mellow singing along while playing with your hair) Open up your Eyeees, Open up your Eyeees. You know that my big-sister in my sorority got me tickets to go see Coldplay, but OMG I couldn’t go because I had my COMM exam the next day. LOL!
Me: (seriously) Oh that’s awful!
Her: I know, I really wanted to go!
Me: (confused) Well, no… I meant that’s awful that your big-sister would ACTUALLY get you tickets to go see this shit-show.
Her: What? No, I like Coldplay! Wait, you don’t like Coldplay? (self-consciously now) Why, what’s not to like about Coldplay? They're just like Radiohead, except not as weird, and you like Radiohead. Didn't you put "Yellow" on a mix-CD you gave me once? I mean, the music is so sweet.

Me: That’s only because I’m currently inside of you. Watch what happens when I pull out. (do so)
Her: Oh my God! Oh my GOD! Has he really been singing the exact same phrase for the past two minutes? Can these chord changes be any more obvious? Am I supposed to feel inspired by this slow-tempo, morose chorded, neo-British-yacht-rock? Wait, his kid’s name is Apple Martin? This is terrible. Quick, get back in, get back in! (do so) Ah… (mellow singing again) Lights go out and I can’t be seen…

Number 6: “What’s Going On” - Marvin Gaye

The most amusing reason to rag What’s Going On is because no one really knows this album. People will still defend it staunchly spouting some rhetoric along the lines of: “What man? How can you not like Marvin Gaye? He had so much soul… and like people had a lot of sex to his music and shit. He spread strong social messages about our society and uh… didn’t his father kill him and shit? I don’t know man, you’re probably a racist.” The easy response then is, “Oh OK, name three songs on this album.”

The main issue with What’s Going On is that its baby-making music (BMM) and BMM goes out of style quicker than a pair of Air Jordan sneakers. And once BMM goes out of style it stays out. Otherwise we’d still be “hooking up” while having Boyz 2 Men getting on bended knee. The BMM that you first loved will probably stay with you for the rest of your life. Grand parents still slow dance to Stardust, our parents to Marvin Gaye, worthless Generation-X to Luther Vandross, Richard Marx or some other trash, and we will be slow-dancing to R. Kelly for the rest of our lives.

As a side note and to be gross for a second, What’s Going On is one of the best soundtracks for taking a dump. Try it some time… you’ll see.

Secondary side note, Marvin Gaye singing the national anthem is one of the coolest things ever.

Number 5: “Legend” - Bob Marley

Legend is so much fun to tool on because it's probably the most universally appealing CD ever made. If you put on this album at a United Nations meeting no one will ask you to turn it off (except for maybe Hugo Chavez who has to disagree with pretty much everything).

Don't you hate it when you ask a girl what kind of music she likes and she says, "Oh wow, I don't know... I'm really diverse and I suppose I really like every kind of music. Except for rap LOL!" I mean, she has Legend in the CD book in her Honda Accord (nonetheless an actual store-bought version and not a burnt copy). Wow! You really are so diverse... and worldly! You really do like EVERYTHING! Let's go eat some California rolls and drink some Heineken you jet-setter!

I would say it's almost as bad as the 17-year old "hippie" kid from suburban Pennsylvania who has kind-of-long hair and is wearing sandals (when it's god-damn freezing outside) and a surfer t-shirt on (he has never been) and all he wants to do is be peaceful and smoke some "herb" and listen to Legend and just be "jammin'." Except he is working in the deli and I am home on holiday break and he is taking god-damn forever slicing me my Boar's Head turkey breast and so I start to get antsy and he is just taking his glossy-eyed time while he is whistling the melody to "Buffalo Soldier" and my sister laughs because she reminds me of my Phish-listening days and so I give her a real hard frogger in the arm and she gets pissy, and the dude almost just dropped the turkey... wait maybe I should get some Hot Fries while I'm here... I haven't had them in forever and the cartoon guy on the bag is so funny... Oh come on! Keanu back there isn't even wearing gloves!

Here is a great idea if you are a studio executive. Let's take this amazing, inter-racial Jamaican superstar whose music transcended boundaries, broke stereotypes, and popularized an entire genre of music and let's make a greatest hits album of his whitest, most-American, least-offensive hits. I wasn't being sarcastic… it really is a great idea.

My beef with Legend is that the music on this album is the only Marley that 99% of Americans know. It is one of the best selling Greatest Hits albums of all time and is not wholly representative of his music. Who cares you ask? Well it pisses my crap off when I am going through the aforementioned girl's CD book and see this disk (as her token worldliness) in between Tom Petty's Greatest Hits and Steve Miller Band's Greatest Hits. RASTAFARI!

Number 4: “The Wall” - Pink Floyd

The Wall is actually one of the easiest albums to dislike.

Pink Floyd was arguably the most pompous, self-indulgent band of all time... and this album was their magnum opus. The problem is that Pink Floyd, which was originally an artsy, psychadelic band with a loyal cult following, catapulted to super-stardom with the massive success of Dark Side of the Moon. Every single Pink Floyd album was a "concept album" and since the majority of rock music fans are stupid (yeah I said it), they had to keep dumbing down the philosophy to reach more fans. By the time they got to The Wall, their rock opera, they became so dumbed down that they might as well have been dangling a colorful ball of yarn to appeal to their adoring public.

A wall is probably the most overused metaphor of all time (whether it be emotional barricades, exercise fatigue, divisions of capitalist/communist society, etc) and especially during the volatile Cold War years, the Floyd exploited that shit like a celebrity sex tape. It is a mediocre album with lame songwriting (with very few exceptions) and sophomoric lyrics (But it was only fantasy/The wall was too high/ As you can see/No matter how he tried/He could not break free). The concerts were unintentionally hysterical as the most over-the-top musical bastardization since Andrew Lloyd Webber's. Seriously, giant styrofoam bricks, inflatable "characters," and Roger Waters farting his ego all over the stage is a bit much. Yet the album art (a freaking wall) is incredibly tame given Floyd's track record for innovative covers. To top it all off, the movie (which was apparently impossible to watch unless "stoned on reefer") gave faux-philosophical credence to mindless teenagers to rebel against society. Just what we needed.

We don't need no education!

Number 3: “The Ramones,” - The Ramones

The Ramones are undeniably the most overrated rock and roll band to have ever existed. They are, by their own admission, mediocre musicians and elementary songwriters that just happened to be in the right place at the right time. They follow the Chinese industrial model for business success – take a pre-existing idea and do it faster, sloppier, and with less production resources.

It’s a fun listen sure. But unlike Chinese industry, The Ramones are terribly inefficient. I was pissed off when I bought the album from Sam Goody for $18.99 when I was in high school. That was almost four hours of ravioli making at the local Italian restaurant where I was working in the kitchen. The disc is 29 minutes long. That is almost 66 cents (or 12 minutes of kitchen labor) per every one minute of 70’s punk glory. You don’t need to have an Ivy League business degree to know (all though it certainly helps) that is a terrible return on investment (ROI as we say in the biz).

They had style, they represented 70’s New York hyper-nihilism, and they made CBGB’s famous. Yeah, Blink 182 could boast comparable credentials. But, there is no reason to revere them as one of the all time greats of music. I personally just think that New York was getting bitchy because England and Los Angeles were making all of the good music in the 70's and they got pissed off and so the first iconic band that came around from one of the boroughs became canonized. I’ll tell you what, even the most jaded hipster will get pissed when you rag on the Ramones. Which is what makes it so much fun in the first place.

Number 2: “Hotel California” - The Eagles

Where to begin with this one? OK, I’ll start with the positives: The guitar solo in the song Hotel California is actually quite impressive (as Angela had proved), and it is very difficult to sing and play drums at the same time. Um… that’s it.

I would suggest that most people find the appeal of this album in a similar manner as they would enjoy a good Billy Joel or Elton John record. Chances are you like the music because your parents had introduced you to it at an early age and it made for some family theme songs. However, Billy Joel and Elton John both have immensely more talent than Don Henley or Joe Walsh (who, by the way, put on THE single-worst concert that I have ever seen a few months ago in Los Angeles); and are actually fun to listen to.

There is no soul in this album. Not every album needs “soul,” but when you are making a timeless, reflective album… well then there needs some emotive substance behind the record. Kind of like the problem with Los Angeles as a city. Hotel California is a depressing album that is probably “best” listened to when you start dating some state school girl (whom you let choose the music when driving in the car and you feigned interest in this garbage) and you realized that you became stupider by buying into her artistic preferences.

Number 1: “All That you Can’t Leave Behind” - U2

Sure, aging rock stars get a free-pass with their later albums because it’s difficult to criticize rock “legends.” But its particularly annoying when the new album gets such widespread exposure and acclaim that it turns a whole new generation of fans on to the music. I was young and naïve when Aerosmith released Get a Grip and I didn’t know better (and so I still think that its kick-ass out of nostalgia), but All That you Can’t Leave Behind is another story.

Modern Times is a nice album that probably is not going to win Bob Dylan any new, younger fans; but it’s a great treat for his long-time fans who have been craving unheard material. Same goes with Brian Wilson’s SMiLE (not really new), Cat Stevens' new album, any new Rolling Stones, Eric Clapton album, etc. But when All That you Can’t Leave Behind came out, not only did it revitalize U2’s career, it thrusted them to the Best Band in the Universe status. Huh? What? How does a crappy album (at best) not just save a dying band, but makes them the biggest rock band in the world (adored now by two generations and future Ipod buyers)?

The only people that should have been excited by Elevation and The Sweetest Thing are DJ’s at classic rock radio stations who finally get some new material to play, freeing them from their 40-song strict Clear Channel playlists.

There you have it Felds, ten ways to amuse yourself when trying to agree on music with a friend when drunk and standing at the bar's jukebox. Happy Holidays!